Do you like the first chapter of my new novel
Chapter 1:''where is the locket'' Rufus Crow was hiding under
his father is desk hoping to find his lost book that his father hid away
after finding out that instead of studying; Rufus was devouring all the
books in the house. Rufus was a true book worm. Books seem to pull him
with an invisible magnet away from his mundane life with his father,
Elliot Crow. After fiddling hopelessly for a while inside his fathers black rucksack, Rufus pushed himself from under the desk and walked to the window making sure that his father had not came yet. As Rufus tried to reach up for the light plug beside the door, he elbowed the golden goblet on the, round table beside him and the goblet fell, clinking at the wooden floor. After some stretching of arms the yellowlight of his father is office glided over the poorly furnished room. There was nothing but a 3 legged stool standing away from a small desk that was flanked by two teetering towers of books, a broken legged wardrobe standing a few c.ms away from the wall. For the coming hour, Rufus carefully examined each book in his father is collection which was mainly made up of books about Norse and Greek mythology. Throwing the Celtic mythology encyclopedia beside him, Rufus wondered, why would a man like his father ,Elliot crow, care to read mythology books .Rufus knew that people as boring and as silent as his father should read nothing but the dead lists in the journal. Another half an hour passed, and Rufus still has not found his novel, to kill a mocking bird,. For sure his father has kept it in one of his locked drawers at his room, Rufus thought. But as Rufus was getting ready to leave by removing all the signs that showed his entrance to his father is office, he heard the roaring engine of his fathers bright blue fiat 128 .Rufus ran to the window, hoping that he will be out of the office before his father would recognize him at the window. After parking in the small garage at the left side of the house, Elliot crow locked his car and walked down the bricked lain. .Rufus took a short step away from the window, but something at his father is side grip his attention, so he stopped. Midway down the lane a cloaked man emerged from under the oak tree to the left of the lane, and he smirked at Elliot who stopped transfixed at the sudden appearance of this man, but eventually Elliot joined the man under the darkness of the tree. Rufus could not help but wonder. His natural curiosity has always been his biggest guide. Who was that man with his father? The man got stuck in Rufus is head as a figure of abruptness and ghostly aura. carefully behind the thick hedges of the front garden, and then , after making sure that no one was watching him, he scampered to another wide trunked tree, facing the tree under which his father and this mysterious man stood. Due to the darkness that the knotty leaves casted under the tree ,Rufus failed to see exactly the shape of the man or his father, but he heard their voices. He knew Elliot is deep, warm voice, even if it was spoken among a crowd of shrieking men. But the other man is voice was cold, airy, filled with a strange color that gave it a dark aura. ''Speak Crow I've no time to waste .where is the locket??'' .The cold voice spoke. ''l do not know Lionel you must believe me.'' Rufus pressed the back of his head harder against the trunk of the tree; he barely heard the words. ''You know that l wo not be fooled by someone like you Crow. Tell me where the locket is?'' ''I've hidden it Lionel, but I am ready to give you some information.'' Tckkk Rufus trampled over a twig. Elliot walked from under the tree, and spoke to the air. '' Elliot is brown hair fell over his wide temple. His face was long and pale as he scanned the garden, and the street. Rufus remembered the nights in which his father kissed him with his warm lips, and tucked the velvet quilt under his body, but now these nights were over. After the death of his mother, smatha Crow, Elliot relation to his son turned as cold as a piece of ice forgotten in freezer for centuries. Their talking grew scarce over time, even rufus' attempts to get closer to his father failed drastically. As rufus tiptoed from under the tree , following the two men into the house ,old memories struck him with sadness. That night, a year ago, Rufus entered into his father is room and kissed him while he was sleeping. Expecting a better reaction, his father pushed him hard to the ground billowing at him.'' leave me l wanna sleep''. The memories brought tears to his eyes, but Rufus shook them away. Before the two men walked into the office, Rufus furtively slipped behind a broken legged wardrobe where a couple of rats ate at some neglected papers of his father. A moment and the two men came into the office with Elliot locking the door behind him. ''Then tell me crow ,l wo not wait any lo
the first 3 sentences shouldn't start with the same word. you
need to think of different ways to say things. instead of saying rufus was
hiding under a desk outright, think of another way to say it.
other than that.i hate the name rufus. it is an annoying name.
Get rid of every single adverb you have in the writing.
Professional writers avoid adverbs at all costs & editors don't deal with
adverbs either.
An adverb is any word that ends in ''LY.'' Use of adverbs in writing is
often the characteristic of a lazy writer or a writer with a limited
vocabulary. Adverbs take away from the sentence & make it fall flat. You can remove an adverb & put so much more description to make the sentence more effective. Your adverbs: Hopelessly, carefully, poorly, drastically, furtively. I will change one of ur sentences with an adverb & show you how to make them stronger. YOURS: After some stretching of arms the yellow light of his father is office glided over the poorLY furnished room. MINE: After some stretching of arms the yellow light of his father is office glided over the desolate room. (Here is ur chance to add description) A single chair sat catty-cornered across from the old oak desk. You get the point?? Also, be careful with ur punctuation. You don't have the correct grasp of when to use semicolons. You also don't have a grasp of punctuation going inside the quotation marks. It definitely has potential you just have to stregnthen ur writing with more description & to get rid of weak words.
I think that it is really good but it sounds by the tone that
it should be set in a different time, the freezer fiat stuff threw me off.
Wow, you really have great word choice and amazing voice.
I would suggest not coming straight out with the character though.
Let the reader learn more about him as it goes, for example, instead of
saying Rufus was a true book worm, say something more like, he was
searching for his book, as usual with that type of person. And then just
let the reader figure out what that type of person is. This leaves a lot
more space for character development. HOPE I HELPED!
no it sucks
tl;dr
That was awesome.
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