Does this sound like something you would read

dare bear , Thursday, 12th of August 2010 10:50:52 PM

..Well, I am working on a story. Yes, a vampire story, but please do not

dare bear

attack me saying things referring to Twilight. l loathe Twilight. (No

Registered User

offense to those who like it.) Also, l feel the need to add that I am only

Joined: Sunday, 23rd of May 2010, 14:28:08

11. (Yes, 11. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, do not report me for that. l find it

Posts: 524

ridiculous that l can not post a question, if I am not posting anything

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personal, there is no harm done, really. PLEASE.)
Anyway, does it
sound alright? Like, something you would read, maybe? If not, can you
please give me tips on how to improve it? Thanks!

Anyway, the
story:

Ben woke up, his face covered in sweat, panting
heavily. He could smell it, but...It was so close, and it did not quite
smell the way it should. He pushed the lid of his coffin upwards. He sat
up. The black lid of his coffin fell to the floor with a clang. His red
eyes scanned the room, and he could still smell the blood, yet it was
getting fainter and fainter by the second.The vampire swung his legs over
the side, hopped down, and closed his eyes. All of a sudden, he changed.
His arms became shorter, curled in. His ears grew out, and his nose
pressed into his face. His fingers grew short and curled inwards, and down
from them came something like that ofduck is foot, spreading down each of
his arms. The only thing that stayed remotely the same was his red,
piercing eyes. He shrunk. With a screech, Ben spread out his wings and
took off, down the dark hallways, out the dog door, and into the bright
sunlight.
Now, vampires in their natural form are destroyed by even
the slightest ray of sun, but, when they're transformed into a bat, sun
has no effect on them.
The bat surveyed his surroundings. By the
position of the sun, he knew, it was 8:13. Vampires had an excellent sense
of time. He smiled to himself as he saw his mate, Khyla, hovering above a
dead bird in the street. She was sucking the blood from its neck as Ben
flew up. He screeched to get her attention.Khyla looked up and frowned as
much as it was possible for a bat to frown. Ben screeched again, then flew
off in the direction of their house. Wearily, Khyla followed. He pushed
through the flap of the dog door and landed on the kitchen table. When
Khyla perched next to him, Ben checked to make sure no ray of sun made it
through to the dark house, then he transformed back into his normal form.
The other vampire did as well, then snarled, ''What do you want?''

''That is not a very nice greeting for one is soulmate, now is it?''
chimed Ben.
She snorted.
Now, Ben did love Khlya, but more as
a sister than a ''soulmate as their father often put it. Khyla did not
exactly love Ben that way either, and so they agreed to pretend to be
together to contemplate their father. Yes, THEIR father. Being of ''royal
blood their father only wished to marry within the family. He married his
sister.
''Anyways,'' Ben continued, ''l smelt blood. Not human
blood, nor was it an animal is blood.''
''You were probably just
tired and could not smell correctly yet.''
''Now, sweet Khyla, you
know l can smell anything, do you not?'' He twisted a strand of her brown
hair around with his finger.
''Okay, okay. l got a cut, all right?''
she hissed, unable to lie to Ben.
''Oh? Hmm... Odd. Our skin is
impenatrable. Pray tell, sister, what did you cut yourself on?''

''I....l was out hunting last night and my arm got cut on a fence.''/>Ben closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. ''Please do not
tell me it was a wooden fence. As in a wooden STAKE.''
Khlya did not
reply.
''Oh, Khyla....''
''Well, it was not my fault!''/>Ben sighed. ''Show me the cut.''
Khyla stuck out her arm and
twisted it, revealing a gash across her arm, etched into her pale skin.

''Dammit Khyla, try to be careful, will you?''
''Well, there
was a human out there! l was startled. l did not hear him coming!'' She
looked down at her feet sheepishly.

...Ok, so l did not
''rape the dictionary'' like SMeyer did. l was just writing off the top of
my head, really.

Thanks again!
...l would highly
appreciatethat are unlike Joe's. Thanks.

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Does this sound like something you would read

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